Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Shared room at the Doggie Hotel

Ankle-Biter is a supreme annoyance.

Alpha and the grandson dropped us off here this afternoon, and A-B is trying to do exactly as his name suggests. He's distressed. I understand. I am, too. Being away from OUR humans is stressful, even if the humans we stay with are nice.

Near as I can tell, Alpha and Beta will be back about this time next week, with stories to tell about other members of the family and their achievements. I have a laptop here at the doggie-hotel, so will try to put up something entertaining later in the week.

If A-B doesn't destroy my ability to type...


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Friday, February 24, 2006

Does your dog do this?

A butcher works his busy shop, and out of the corner of his eye notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. Some minutes (and several customers) later, he notices the dog has returned.

This time, as he prepares to chase the dog from the shop, he notices the dog has a scrap of paper in his mouth. He takes the paper, and on it is a note which reads "Can I have a dozen bratwurst and a small beef tenderloin, please. The dog has the cash in his mouth."

The butcher looks in the dog's mouth, and sure enough, there is a twenty-dollar bill there. So he takes the money, puts the sausages and beef in a bag, and lets the dog take it in his jaws.

The butcher is, to say the least, impressed, and since it's close to time to shut down anyway, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

The dog lopes down the street, then arrives at a streetlight. He puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the "Walk" button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the light to turn green. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher close behind.

The dog comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the schedule. The butcher, at this point, is flabbergasted. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the sidewalk benches. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. This time, the dog goes and looks at the number, sees it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now carrying his jaw in his hand, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through town and out into the suburbs; the dog stares vacant-eyed at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on his hind legs and pulls the cord to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Butcher follows dog down the street and around a corner, and then the dog turns in to a yard. He walks up the sidewalk, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back, takes a run, and throws himself -Ka-Thump!- against the door. He goes back down the sidewalk, runs at the door and -Ka-Thump!- throws himself against it again. No one answers.

The dog goes back down the sidewalk again and circles toward the side yard. He jumps up on the fence, and walks along the perimeter of the yard. He gets close to what is apparently the kichen window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts cussing the dog. He yells. He swears. He questions the dog's ancestry.

The butcher runs up and interrupts the guy. "What the heck are you doing? That dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!"

"Genius? My grandmom's backside! This is the second time in a week that he's forgotten his key."

Dog obviously never got schooled in my house...



And yeah, check out those pretty flags right below. You want Spanish? I got Spanish. You want French? I got it. Nine flags, nine languages. Eat your human hearts out!


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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Alpha got carded

Alpha's been working on this project in the backyard:

The bottom, triangular part will be a rose garden. The "well" will be garden as well, once it's entirely complete, but no exact decision has been reached as to the contents of that smaller, elevated patch. It's really only there to hold the tipped jug, which will pour water into the lower container once all the details get taken care of. I think it will make a superior drinking fountain.

One of the things he still needs to do is secure the top courses of limestone. He's leaving the rest of it dry-stacked, but if he ties the top courses together, the rest should hold just fine.

So the other day, we headed over to Home Depot to get a pump and some tubing, some electrical parts, some clear silicone caulk, and some construction adhesive. We were standing talking, he scratching my ear, while the clerk ran everything through the scanner, when suddenly she said to Alpha, "What's your birthdate, please?"

Please understand that Alpha has reached the point where he doesn't even have to show ID to get the AARP discount, much less to buy our beer or the occassional bottle of something stronger, so the look on his face as he turned to the clerk was priceless.

"Are you serious?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, holding the tube of PL400 in her hand. Her computer had asked her for the customer's date of birth as soon as she scanned that glue.

Apparently, kids aren't supposed to buy that stuff any more than they're supposed to buy spray paint. It's like beer: kids have to hang around outside the store waiting for an adult who doesn't care what they do to come by willing to buy for them at extortionist's prices. But who in the world would sniff that stuff?


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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I know it's not Friday!

Alpha and I were wandering around one of those monster chain pet places that have cropped up in the last decade or better, trying to replace the family-owned feed-and-seed stores that used to populate rural areas. We were looking for some more Greenies and came across this:



From the tag on the thing:

Petmate Fresh Flow Purifying Pet Fountain

Veterinarian and trainer recommended fresh flowing water fountain adds oxygen, filters water, cools naturally, reduces bacteria, and encourages your pet to drink. Features silent pump, flow control lever, replaceable charcoal filter, and 50 ounce reservoir.
» More info...
36 of 50 (72%) of customers said they would purchase this product again.


So I'm thinking. 72% of customers said they would buy another one... Have they thought about where their dog would dine every day if he could?











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Have they thought about where their dog normally drinks??


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I mean, have they even considered how dogs get to know each other?

Or what you imply if you suggest that a dog is "performing his toilette"?


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Friday, February 17, 2006

Finally a Friday

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"


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Saturday, February 11, 2006

High Five(s) for Donna

Donna reached out and tagged me almost a week ago, and until now I've managed to procrastinate. The north wind, however, has made lying in the sun less than optimal for passing a Saturday afternoon, so here goes:

What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was living in the mountains outside Las Vegas, Nevada. No fences, jack rabbits to chase, snowy roads in the winter to play and race along. Alpha and Beta were still going off to work every day, leaving me to hop up on the bed to get away from Ankle-Biter for the day. Or were you talking human years?

Five snacks that I enjoy?
Greenies
Cheese (I agree with Donna)
Squirrel (I can't make a list without squirrels)
Peanut Butter
Those tough chewy things Alpha gets at the feed store

Five bad habits?
I do some things that my people don't seem to care for, but I doubt seriously that I have any bad habits. Sure, when strangers come through the door, I leap to get as close as I can to smell their faces. And the neighbor dog and I have chased each other back and forth along the fence until grass doesn't grow there anymore. And I'll chase a squirrel half a block until he goes up a tree so I can bark at him. And I bark at the sound of one of those evil diesel engines. And I think the furniture is more comfortable than the floor and that Alpha's lap is the best place to sit and watch TV. But those aren't bad habits.

Five songs that I know all the lyrics?
"Wet Kisses"
"Basking in the Sun"
"Scratch My Back"
Everything on the "Tails of the City" album by Murray Weinstock
but especially "Gimme That Bone"

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire?
adopt more dogs
get my own recliner in front of the TV
buy more beef
get a bigger beer bowl
get Ankle-Biter his own food bowl so I could empty it when he wasn't looking and still have my own food left

Five things I like doing?
chasing squirrels
chasing rabbits
chasing shadows
riding in the car
lying in the sun

Five favorite toys?
bone
rock
stick
Alpha's arm
Squeakie

Five things I would never wear, buy or get again?
neutered

Five people I am tagging
Again, like I did with the Sevens meme, I'm not gonna tag anyone I know, although I'm thinking about maybe Tigger, or Hubert, or Stubby, maybe even Sammi and Boomer , or Maggie or Bonnie. Like I implied, I don't know these rabbit and squirrel chasers personally, but given their interests, it would be fun to see what they have to say about the Fives.


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Friday, February 10, 2006

Where did the week go...

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?


Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one!?! And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:
I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler:
Go ahead. Make me!

Shi-tzu:
Puh-leese dah-ling, let the servants.......

Labrador:
Oh me, me, pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Malamute:
Let the border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Yorkshire Terrier:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got his hangover....

Mastiff:
Mastiff's are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Old English Sheepdog:
Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!

Cat:
Pets do not change light bulbs. People change light buls. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

(Author Unknown)


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Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday again.

There's a junction about five miles north on 95, just the other side of the river. On the east side is a bait shop, and on the west side, a little country store that sells the usual convenience stuff: baled hay, steel gates, pecan-shelling, horse vaccines. They also sell a pretty fair sandwich, which better explains the cars in the parking lot.

Much of the traffic on 95 results from people avoiding the congestion on I-35 as it goes through the metropolis to the west, so many visitors to the country store are not familiar with it.

Coming through the entrance, one of those strangers noticed the sign that says, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" that's taped up in the window. Inside he noticed old Zeke asleep in his usual spot on the floor next to the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," Fred replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

Fred needs to change his sign:



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